the prettiest whistles won't wrestle the thistles undone

MOVED TO
inaspaceship.

I've been here for about three and a half weeks. This place is kind of a mess but I'll fix it. Eventually. I'm getting there.

I'm feeling better these days. I've been eating much better (though .. today I had some chocolate chip cookies and milk, but that's after three weeks of no cookies or milk). I'm getting used to meat and dairy products not being in the house; I actually kind of like it. Of course, the cookies and milk I just bought have dairy in them, but. Nobody's perfect.

I made up with my mom just before I left. We talk on a pretty regular basis now.

I'm alone a lot, though. But ... well. I miss oh_kaity when she's gone but I do like being alone. I get comfortable, I play video games, I'm generally pretty happy. My car's not working (I know exactly why, don't worry), and once I fix it I'm going to go to the GameStop nearby and put in an application. Though, I don't NEED to get a job right now; I have enough money to keep me for August and into September if I have to and I like having the summer off.

Speaking of which, I got my diploma in the mail today. I'm not nearly as excited about it as I should be. High school already feels like a lifetime behind me.



Also, I love making fanmixes. Even multiple fanmixes for the same people or pairings. XD But oh_kaity and I have so many AUs that I can kinda justify it. Whatev. Moar Mark/Jack mix now that Mark has a PB.

( added bonus: cute pictures of my cat )

Moar AU!fanmix.

( part sun, part earth )

I've been feeling so weird lately. I got sick recently (though possibly from some very bad food I made---not food poisoning, just "why did you put all that together and then not cook it long enough?"), but that's not it. For the past weeks I've been having these long, strange, very vivid dreams (in some cases I wasn't even lucid, which is odd for me; nearly all of my dreams are lucid) and then waking up almost as exhausted as I was when I fell asleep. The super strange thing is that I have these vivid dreams with actual plots in them in as little as 10 minutes. The first stage of sleep has vivid little dreamlettes, basically bursts of color that we really don't remember, dreams about tripping and falling or floating, but I mean REM-type dreams within ten minutes of falling asleep---even less, on some occasion. And I've always been like that. I had a little three or four minute dream once of Captain America speaking in my Chemistry teacher's voice a couple years ago when I fell asleep in her class.

There may not be any connection, but my eating habits have been weird recently, too. Usually during the day, I'll eat anything I can get my hands on, and then when I get home I have to remind myself to eat because it doesn't occur to me. I only eat once during the day, too (and the occasional bag of chips from the vending machines at school, if I have the money), so it's not like I'm munching all day, but once I get home and have a small snack, I lose almost total interest in food, and if I do eat, it's either because I know I'll regret if I don't or if I'm bored or waiting for something. I eat for the taste but not because I'm hungry, and when I'm home I'm rarely hungry. I do the same thing in the morning and often end up eating breakfast only when my stomach starts to hurt because I haven't eaten. I eat most when it's put in front of me, and even then I'll have some and then ignore most of it, like I did the other night; it took me hours to finish my dinner.

I'm also oversensitive emotionally. I'm usually so chill about everything, but if there's one tiny trigger, I flip. I recognize that the things I get upset over are stupid and I can't make it stop. It's down to the wire at school and if I'm just waiting for whatever fuck up I'll come up with, because I always manage to mess up somehow. I'm moving soon and that should be making me happy, but I think it's just stressing me out. I'm scared. I don't have much of a life here, I know, but it's mine. I don't like a lot of people but some of them have been my friends for over ten years. I see my three oldest friends on a daily basis and I'm scared of not having them. I'm scared of leaving my teachers, I'm scared of leaving my dad, and I'm scared of leaving my mom, even though I don't talk to her. I'm leaving my entire life and as much as I may not like it here, it's still my place, it's still my life, and I feel like I ignore that so much that when I realize I'm really leaving it kills me.

I'm essentially up and leaving to be with one person, and I worry that I put too much faith in her. I don't expect my life to be perfect; I expect adjustment and clashing, I expect fights and reminders that neither of us are perfect. I have never felt so good or happy about anything than I have with my relationship. I'm not making a mistake in being with her and I know that, because if I can't make it work with her, then I'm screwed because quite frankly, I got really, really lucky. I'm in love and she's not a terrible person. But I worry that I get neurotic over normal-people things. Her life is infinitely busier than mine, and as a result I spend a ton of time waiting for her to show up. When I move in with her, I know I'll cherish the time I have alone because I'll be with her when she's home, but right now, this promise of a home and a person I love is what's getting me through. So I overreact when things happen with her that I don't expect, even things that I have a right to be peeved about.

As I get older, I realize I'm the kind of person who needs to unload and say a bunch of stupid shit before I can calm down and let it go. I have stupid, irrational fears and if I don't voice them I end up festering. Forgetting to call ahead and warn me that plans have changed aren't a sign of being ungrateful or insensitive, and just because someone's not sitting on their hands and waiting for me to show up doesn't mean I'm less loved. Yes, I sit around and wait. I don't really do much else, and it feels unfair, because it is, but I can't afford to be running around and getting more attached to my life here because it will hurt more later. I'm also too tired, and I think that's become a real problem that's intensified recently. I've been overweight and unhealthy my whole life, but I have NEVER been so tired and so exhausted in my life.

Clinical depression runs in my family. Nearly every woman in my family (and my grandfather) has either had it or has it now. I hate the way we over medicate people, and I'm going somewhere where I don't have access to the kind of money that therapy demands. If I am indeed depressed (and to be honest, the way my life is and my reactions to things says to me that I might be, even if I'm not sitting on my floor and cutting myself or something), it's something I'll have to work out on my own. I can't financially afford to be mentally unhealthy like this.

I just want to write. I want to coast through the rest of the school year. All I really want to do right now is write and play with my computer. I do have to pack, and I have to work things out for moving, but I want to do that all at once next week and get it over with. I feel like nothing anybody ever does is good enough, nothing I do is good enough, like things that have gone wrong need to be ignored because reparation is too hard. I want my mom but nothing she says to me is enough to make the problems I have with her okay. The things between us that happened are already done and never going to change. I'm a very hard person to apologize to in general because I remember things and I'm prone to grudges---and I get belligerent about being told to get over the grudges I feel like I've earned. I have issues with being told to put everything in the past because it feels like I get slighted and then I'm expected to act like nothing went wrong, especially when my actions are constantly biting me in the ass. It's not fair that I get the backlash from things going wrong all the time and nobody wants to deal with the consequences of what's been done to me. That's my main issue with my mother, years of things going wrong and then being told to get over it and stop being such a cold, callous person and that the chip on my shoulder is my own fault. It's not. It's not my fault and I absolutely resent being told to put my problems behind me when my mother likes to bring up all the bad things I've ever done whenever we talk. I want my mom, I want to be able to talk to my mom and go to her when things get hard, but I can't get over it. I'm not ready. And I shouldn't be made out to be the villain for not being ready, which is why we don't speak.

I have so much to be happy for and so much to look forward to and I hate my life. I hate who and what I am right now. I don't want to be this person anymore. I have tags I have to do for killbot and Carla, but I just don't have it in me right now. I don't have it much in me right now to pay attention to much more than my girlfriend and myself.

So. It's the tail end of my senior year. Finally. I have five weeks left before it's over. June 12th is my very last day of school, and it doesn't really count because we're hanging out at Darien Lake that day. The week after is exam week, but since I'm not taking any full year courses right now (I'm in almost all electives, and Health is an in-class exam which I hopefully qualify for exemption from), I don't have any exams during exam week.

Quite frankly, I don't care about senior bash or the graduation ceremony. My graduating class is over 600, and it's during the week after exams. I don't want to go, so I'm going to ask about having my diploma just mailed to me. That said, I'll probably be moving somewhere between June 13th and June 20th. It depends on what Dad is doing, because he's going to be hooking a U-Haul to the back of his car and helping me take all my stuff to my new apartment at once. I would really he rather not drive there and back in one day, but if that's what he does, then I won't argue. It's not like we have anywhere for him to sleep.

I know a few of you on my f'list know this, but most of you don't, I think. I live in Upstate New York right now and I'm moving to West Springfield, MA next month to live with my girlfriend (oh_kaity). The drive is about five and a half hours (though I did it in five when I went there last time). My girlfriend uses the internet quite a lot for work and such, and technically our lease starts on June 1st and the landlord has said that she can move things in early because everything will be clean and ready. And he won't charge us for the extra days, which is awesome. (The landlord wanted almost $100 for Dad to move stuff in a couple days early. kthnxno.) I don't know what the plan is as far as the internet right now. Unfortunately (more for oh_kaity than for me), me being here and unable to get there whenever I want to until I actually move means that I'm really not involved in a lot of the setup. I think that, by the time I get there, the wireless will be set up. I think. She's probably not moving in herself too much before I get there. I have to assume I'll be busy once I get there, but we're both internet whores. Likelihood is, I'm probably not taking any sort of hiatus, at least not for very long.

The plan is for me to get out there, chill for a few days, and then start looking for the job. Thanks to Dad, I'm going out there with an extra 5 grand out of my college fund because I'm not attending in the fall. So there's no reason for me to get really stressed out about finding a job OMG RIGHT AWAY. I'm also super psyched about getting out there and radically changing my diet. I eat badly right now and I'm incredibly unhealthy, but where I'm going, everywhere is pretty much within walking distance and the town is so beautiful. I should probably invest in a bike and a bike lock, too. oh_kaity is phenomenal with cooking and food and after going vegan last year, she's ridiculously smart when it comes to make healthy food that tastes good. Her lentil soup makes me want to marry her, srsly. Since last summer, she's lost forty pounds and I'm hoping I can emulate that. She's happy and healthy and energetic and I want her to have a partner who can keep up with her and enjoy life with her.

(I love my girlfriend, can you tell?)

We also want to get another girlkitty to keep Liza company when we get there. But despite what oh_kaity says, she will not be named Weetabix.

"Dear baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that's all they do. They don't pull away, they don't look at your face, they don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and wrap you up tight without an ounce of selfishness to it." Jenna (Keri Russel) Waitress

Oh, Waitress. One of my favorite movies. :x

( Mark )

( Peter )

( Richard )

( Ariel )

So, I went through every single A Softer World comic and picked out ones for May, Mark, Richard, Peter and Ariel. :O And now I'm posting them. Whoooo.


( Mayday )

Two fanmixes in two days! :D I really like the cover for this one, even if I couldn't find a good place for the title.


( my own blood in my mouth . a peter + mj mix )

ALAN TUDYK. DOLLHOUSE.

ALAN TUDYK ON DOLLHOUSE NEXT WEEK. WHICH IS A WEEK EARLIER THAN WE THOUGHT BUT NOT IT'S OFFICIAL AND AAHHHHHHHHH ALAN'S ON DOLLHOUSE AND HE'S ALL CREEPY AND IT'S GREAT.

Today, I discovered that I have some sort of fetish for black and white mix covers. The next one will have color, I think.


( leading the blind: a milla + matt mix )

I don't normally churn out mixes in a day (if ever), but I'm so in love with this one I did it all at once.


( second lives of shadows . a mark/jack au mix )

So. All-County.

GOD I AM SO TIRED. And my feet are KILLING me, but it was beautiful and we were good. Great. Very pretty. So glad it's over. XD I did fall head over heels for one of our songs that just ... wow. I thoroughly enjoyed singing it (more than the others) and while I was singing it I couldn't help but think of SG-era Milla, stuck in the asylum. I found a YouTube recording here. Good quality and very much worth a listen.

Though during the two days I was there, I was inspired :D And now that Jessi has more characters than I do in SG I don't feel bad. XD I've been wanting to do an Echo-kid for ages and between All-County and rereading The Time Traveler's Wife, I have a vision of how I want him that will actually give him some sort of drive in the game other than "O HAI 'NOTHER CHARACTER :D :D :D". And we need more for the superhero ranks in that game anyway. He shall be my squishy and I shall call him Orpheus. 'Cause that's how he rolls. Once I find a PB I really like.

Also saw Watchmen yesterday and will see it again tomorrow. I really enjoyed it the whole time, even at the stupid parts. I have mucho appreciations for the lulz, so even the lulzy parts were pretty awesome. I'd write a more in-depth review but I'll probably wait until tomorrow for that. We're taking Emily with us and then it's off to visit my brother-cousin thingy and his family for dinner, if I don't want to just curl up and die of the tired. XD

I was inspired/urged by Jessi to make one of these, so ... I did. And I really kind of like it. :D And I want to make more, but I don't know how soon that will happen.


( blood, foam, and cracking bones; a tuesday/phil fanmix )

Now I know why Kait hasn't been around. She's hanging with Nomie. THOSE HOBAGS!

Aaaanyway. Today, I bought The Time-Traveler's Wife and Sherlock Holmes: The Hound of Baskervilles. I want to get my hands on the earlier Sherlock novels, too, but that's what I found. XD Holmes is already cracking me the fuck up.

Give me one of my characters and one of yours, and I'll tell you how they end up together and what their first-born is like, even if they are unqualified to have children. I'll even give a PB.

Bring it!